Mirror, mirror, on the wall.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Why can't I be skinny and tall?

First of all, let me say, I missed writing. I missed the words pouring out of my head and my heart. I've had a lot to say but I took the hiatus on purpose. Why? Because I was mad. Isn't that a little childish, Beth? Yes, yes it is. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, so here goes.

I had become the Evil Queen. Quite literally in a sense. I would find myself looking into the mirror. Time after time, day after day. Asking it, begging it, to bring back the person I used to see. The "thin" me. No one else. I wasn't hoping to magically turn into a super model. But not accepting who God had chosen me to become was just as bad as hoping I was someone else entirely. I was too blind to realize it though. And so I became more and more frustrated and sad.

To give you a little back history; Almost 3 years ago, I got very very sick. I was pumped full of steroids, antibiotics, inhaled steroids, more antibiotics, etc. This went on for months. My body completely shut down and rebooted but not everything started back properly. My immune system took a major hit. I continued to get sick and stay on the antibiotic/steroid cycle for about a year and a half after that. My hair started falling out. My skin looks like an alligator (present tense because it still does). All of this, I was coping with EXCEPT the weight gain. I had a magic number in my mind that I was not willing to go over. I have been on a continuous gain - I can diet, exercise, I've been to every doctor imaginable and I continue to gain- for the three years. (This is well past the typical steroid gain that I was expecting) With the continuous weight gain, I have well surpassed my "magic number". Not only that, but I am by far, the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life WITH NO CONTROL OVER THE SITUATION. And no one able to tell me what's going on.

Fast forward to today. I am almost 100 pounds past my heaviest "healthy weight". I have been on quite a roller coaster ride of emotions. Self shame being a big one. I would look in the mirror and put myself down constantly. I was never a vain person but I had self confidence. I believed in myself. I was the one that believed I could climb the mountain and conquer anything. Now I struggled to believe I was even going to look decent in my clothes. Decent had become my pretty. I would see people I hadn't seen in a while and they would flit their eyes down to my stomach to see if I was pregnant. I wanted to say "Nope, just fat." I thought that might be a little harsh. A lady that my parents have known forever saw me (it had probably been 10 years since I'd seen her). She said "My God! You've gotten fat!" I said, "Why yes, I have. Thank you for noticing." Lol. What else do you say?

Stores don't make it easy for you to feel pretty when you're shopping at "my size" though.
1) They think at my size you have lost all desire to button your clothes so most things have elastic waist bands (I still choose buttons please - I have enough booty to jerk those elastic things straight down).
2) They think at my size it's fun to hang a few size 2 clothes with elastic waist bands near your size (it won't be mentioned) with elastic waist bands. And secretly I thought "If I see someone pick that up next to me, I might snatch it out of their hand, I'm so hostile right now."
3) They think at my size you cannot have regular sized legs. You have to be short and my size. No regular jeans exist.
4) I almost lost all Christianity because I almost got the hang of shopping in "my section" and then someone decided to invent a 0, 1, 2 for us shapely ladies. What does that even mean? I need an interpreter to go shopping.
5) The shapely section is one of the smallest sections in the store. (you'll never get me to call it the nasty "p" word. That's a four letter word in my house)

Now, enough ranting about stores and "my size". I don't want any "I'm sorries" out of this. I just want you to hear my heart on what I realized and if it speaks to you, then great. While I wasn't saying negative body image things out loud, I was still thinking them, constantly. And every time I told my children they were special because they were exactly who God made them to be and they should always remember that, I was one of the biggest hypocrites. I was living the biggest lie. I didn't believe a word of it for myself. I knew God was going to take care of me. I knew God loved me. But I didn't believe he still thought I was special. I didn't believe that God could get glory from me being overweight. God is constantly changing us. Molding us, shaping us. God created us in His image. We are perfect in His sight no matter our size. No mirror should ever define how we feel about ourselves. God gives us peace, hope and joy for tomorrow.

I won't be calling on the mirror. I'll be calling on the sweet name of our Savior! "Jesus, Jesus, Lord of all. It doesn't matter if I'm short or tall. You saved my soul and made me new. I'm always beautiful because I'm made in the image of You. Amen." ~ Beth Hudler