DeJa Vecu

Ten years ago, almost to the very day, my husband tore his rotator cuff, his bicep muscle and the tendon in his right arm (his dominant arm). The company he worked for at the time had no disability policy and he was displaced. We went from two incomes to one at the snap of a finger. It was scary, it was unnerving and we lost countless nights of sleep over it. We literally lost everything we had. It was a silent battle that Jerry and I fought alone because we were ashamed of our situation. We knew others had it far worse than we did and we chose not to tell many people what was happening. Even our own family members.

We were at church on a Sunday and our Pastor was talking about spiritual gifts. At that very moment Jerry felt called to be a barber. He tried running from the Lord for a short period of time for financial reasons. He got an odd job here and there. None of them worked out, because he was not obeying. Jerry finally decided to "give in" and follow God's call for him. He made it through barber school (it wasn't easy but we were faithful and God was faithful to us). He's had a successful business now for over seven years. During which time I was displaced from my job and I have been fortunate enough to stay home and raise our children.

My very profound seven year old said to me the other day "Mommy, some wishes come true and some wishes don't. Isn't that right? That's real life, right Mommy."

Oh, how wise you are my son.

Deja Vecu: The feeling of having "already lived through' something

There is no "feeling" needed here. We HAVE lived it. We HAVE done it.

Jerry "hurt" his arm a couple of months ago and the look he had on his face was one I've seen before. He said to me then "I pray I didn't just tear my cuff again". He has been living in constant, unmanageable pain for two months now. Jerry had an MRI and we received the results. Not only is it torn, but it is torn so badly, that if it tears a fraction more, it will be IRREPEARABLE and Jerry will LOSE partial use of his arm. That was absolutely frightening to sit and listen to. Also this time, we are going from one income to NONE. I am working diligently to get a job somewhere. I know it will only be enough to supplement part of our income; however, God was faithful the first time and He will be again.

The only difference this time, is we're choosing not to remain silent about this. We're not looking for charities, but we do ask for prayers.

God never promises that your life is going to be easy. He does promise that He will never leave you nor forsake you. And Jerry and I have experienced that through every trial, heartache and joy in our lives.

God brought us through the first injury with my husband being a successful barber, me staying at home, and three beautiful children. I can hardly contain myself to see what He has in store for us this time, for He doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called.

Much love,
The Hudlers

If a mommy asks over and over, does anyone hear her?

I've been conflicted by the age old question "If a tree falls in the woods, does it still make a sound?" for many years. My answer would be always be yes. Until I became a mother. Then I wasn't sure anymore. I mean, come on. I've got people standing right in front of me when I'm speaking that can't hear me. Am I making noise?!

Surely by now you're thinking, this is ridiculous. She needs to get ahold of herself. But there may be one of you who have thought the same thing. I've even said to myself "am I even speaking the same language as these little people?!"

Then it occurred to me that I actually wasn't speaking their language. My sweet children were numb to my voice and they had turned the channel. The tree wasn't making a sound. No matter how many times the blasted thing hit the ground. I am not saying that life has to be one big play ground; however, I am saying that children are not little adults. They are not going to behave like adults at 4 years old. It is a huge task to expect them to sit for a long period of time without stretching their legs and if you don't let them then they're going to find a way to entertain themselves. 8 year old girls still like to play with dolls and 6 year old boys still like to throw sticks and rocks. When you give them a task (if they are natured like my children are), sometimes you have to get creative to get them interested. This will make life far easier for both you and the children. Make putting up laundry or putting away toys a race, talk to them on their level, etc. There's a book called "The 5 Love Languages" and one is now published for children. For Heaven's Sake carries it and can order it if they're out (if you're local).

Pray over your children, show them love, nurture them and it is all going to be okay. Even when we are stressed to the max and feel like we are struggling to go on, we are blessed beyond measure. Psalm 127:3 ESV "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward." If it has been a hard day, take time after they go to sleep and just look at them. Know tomorrow is a knew day. You cannot do today over, but you can both get it right tomorrow.

Life is like a bunch of bananas.

When Forrest Gump said "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get."

There is some truth to that but it's misleading. A box of chocolates is sweet. It usually has good memories associated with it or you got it as a gift from a loved one. Even the gross fruit flavored goo ones can be chewed fast enough to convince yourself it was worth it because you got to taste the chocolate on the outside.
As I was standing in my kitchen today, thinking about the million things I think about on a daily basis, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Life is like a bunch of bananas.

With bananas, you know exactly what you're getting. A banana. But you get them home and by that evening they may already be starting to bruise or turn brown. Isn't that us? Our circumstances have "bruised" us? Or we are tiptoeing around life and helicoptering over our kids like we do when the cashier starts to put our bananas in a bag. (You know you do it. You searched through every bunch for the perfect one and if she bangs one banana your nostrils flare like a bull). Life can have us in the security of our "bunch" and snatched by ourself in a heartbeat.

But one of the biggest ways I thought life was like a bunch of bananas is when you talk about attitude and sin. The riper the banana becomes on the inside, the darker the peeling becomes. It starts with a few spots. When it's just a few spots, the banana can still be peeled and used for something greater than just itself like banana bread or banana pudding. But if left to keep getting darker, the banana gets so mushy, it will not even peel, is of no baking or eating use and must be thrown away. You can smell an overripe banana from a mile away and it attracts fruit flies. Something doesn't go our way- bruise. We didn't get that new job- spot. We were short tempered with our spouse today- fruit fly.

The good news is, we have a God who loves us. Instead of throwing us away, he's able to renew us when we repent of our sins. Then we turn into that lovely yellowish green banana again. Then it's up to us where we go from there. Are we going to let our circumstances and bruises define us and make us super mushy or are we going to make some good ole banana pudding?
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 ESV "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

Mirror, mirror, on the wall.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Why can't I be skinny and tall?

First of all, let me say, I missed writing. I missed the words pouring out of my head and my heart. I've had a lot to say but I took the hiatus on purpose. Why? Because I was mad. Isn't that a little childish, Beth? Yes, yes it is. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, so here goes.

I had become the Evil Queen. Quite literally in a sense. I would find myself looking into the mirror. Time after time, day after day. Asking it, begging it, to bring back the person I used to see. The "thin" me. No one else. I wasn't hoping to magically turn into a super model. But not accepting who God had chosen me to become was just as bad as hoping I was someone else entirely. I was too blind to realize it though. And so I became more and more frustrated and sad.

To give you a little back history; Almost 3 years ago, I got very very sick. I was pumped full of steroids, antibiotics, inhaled steroids, more antibiotics, etc. This went on for months. My body completely shut down and rebooted but not everything started back properly. My immune system took a major hit. I continued to get sick and stay on the antibiotic/steroid cycle for about a year and a half after that. My hair started falling out. My skin looks like an alligator (present tense because it still does). All of this, I was coping with EXCEPT the weight gain. I had a magic number in my mind that I was not willing to go over. I have been on a continuous gain - I can diet, exercise, I've been to every doctor imaginable and I continue to gain- for the three years. (This is well past the typical steroid gain that I was expecting) With the continuous weight gain, I have well surpassed my "magic number". Not only that, but I am by far, the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life WITH NO CONTROL OVER THE SITUATION. And no one able to tell me what's going on.

Fast forward to today. I am almost 100 pounds past my heaviest "healthy weight". I have been on quite a roller coaster ride of emotions. Self shame being a big one. I would look in the mirror and put myself down constantly. I was never a vain person but I had self confidence. I believed in myself. I was the one that believed I could climb the mountain and conquer anything. Now I struggled to believe I was even going to look decent in my clothes. Decent had become my pretty. I would see people I hadn't seen in a while and they would flit their eyes down to my stomach to see if I was pregnant. I wanted to say "Nope, just fat." I thought that might be a little harsh. A lady that my parents have known forever saw me (it had probably been 10 years since I'd seen her). She said "My God! You've gotten fat!" I said, "Why yes, I have. Thank you for noticing." Lol. What else do you say?

Stores don't make it easy for you to feel pretty when you're shopping at "my size" though.
1) They think at my size you have lost all desire to button your clothes so most things have elastic waist bands (I still choose buttons please - I have enough booty to jerk those elastic things straight down).
2) They think at my size it's fun to hang a few size 2 clothes with elastic waist bands near your size (it won't be mentioned) with elastic waist bands. And secretly I thought "If I see someone pick that up next to me, I might snatch it out of their hand, I'm so hostile right now."
3) They think at my size you cannot have regular sized legs. You have to be short and my size. No regular jeans exist.
4) I almost lost all Christianity because I almost got the hang of shopping in "my section" and then someone decided to invent a 0, 1, 2 for us shapely ladies. What does that even mean? I need an interpreter to go shopping.
5) The shapely section is one of the smallest sections in the store. (you'll never get me to call it the nasty "p" word. That's a four letter word in my house)

Now, enough ranting about stores and "my size". I don't want any "I'm sorries" out of this. I just want you to hear my heart on what I realized and if it speaks to you, then great. While I wasn't saying negative body image things out loud, I was still thinking them, constantly. And every time I told my children they were special because they were exactly who God made them to be and they should always remember that, I was one of the biggest hypocrites. I was living the biggest lie. I didn't believe a word of it for myself. I knew God was going to take care of me. I knew God loved me. But I didn't believe he still thought I was special. I didn't believe that God could get glory from me being overweight. God is constantly changing us. Molding us, shaping us. God created us in His image. We are perfect in His sight no matter our size. No mirror should ever define how we feel about ourselves. God gives us peace, hope and joy for tomorrow.

I won't be calling on the mirror. I'll be calling on the sweet name of our Savior! "Jesus, Jesus, Lord of all. It doesn't matter if I'm short or tall. You saved my soul and made me new. I'm always beautiful because I'm made in the image of You. Amen." ~ Beth Hudler

For better or worse, In sickness and health....

What's love got to do, got to do, with it? What's love, but a second hand emotion. I love me some Tina Turner. But she was flat wrong on this one. Love has everything to do with making a marriage last. Celebrating my 10 year anniversary today is proof of that. These 10 years with my husband have been the best of times and the worst of times. But mostly the best. We celebrated the true unity of his children and me with our marriage in 2005.

Then we grieved pure loss of his job at Wilkes Tool and everything we had worked so hard for. We celebrated God opening that door of loss to show him that he should go back to school and become a barber. We honored God's vision and he went back to school. It was so difficult that most people don't know we had to live separately for a while to even make ends meet. (No folks, we weren't separated, his parent's home and my grandparent's home couldn't accommodate us all). We saw each other most evenings after work and spent the weekends together. Divorce was never an option for us. When we said our vows, we said "For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health". We didn't say "Only for better until it gets hard, only while we have a lot of money, and only while we're both healthy". Living separately only lasted about a month until we could get some debts paid off and find a place we could all move into. Jerry completed barber school and worked in Lenoir for a year. Then came time to take another leap of faith with God's guidance and open Hud's Barber Shop. God always provides when you follow his direction and give him the glory. We took foster parent classes soon after and made the decision to adopt. Again seeking God with this decision. My job at Wachovia closed and I became a stay at home mother to our beautiful foster children and God paved the way. Fast forward to 2015 Jerry's business is booming, we have adopted three beautiful children, our other two  gorgeous children are grown, we are stronger than ever in our faith, our marriage has God at the head of it and divorce never was even in the hard times and never will be an option for us. Love is a feeling but it is more a decision. You decide to love. There are days I don't feel like getting up but I do. There are days I get up and I don't feel like "feeling" but I decide to. I'm not saying we have it all figured out, and we certainly aren't perfect, but we haven't had the easiest road and we've made it. If more people would decide to love and decide to stay committed, their outcome might be a little different too.

The first day I met my youngest son.

I was driving home from my mom and dad's house. It was already getting dark and my cell phone rang. It was Melissa Hutchens from DSS giving me one of the best gifts my family would ever receive, it just took a long time to get to the good ending. "Hello". "Beth, we have two boys that need placement. One is 4 months old and one is 3 years old. Can you take them"? I said absolutely without hesitation-some would think I was nuts because we already had a 4 year old girl and 3 year old boy. Here is the baby that we met that evening in November 2012.

He was tiny, he smelled like smoke, his face was covered in eczema and his crystal blue eyes were cloudy, but it was love at first sight. He has double crowns so his hair grew in a baby Mohawk. A good bath for him and his brother and they fit right in. The "twins" as I called them because they were both 3 (Mauri and C) baby powdered the living room, wrote with string cheese on the front door, turned over the Christmas tree, and put all the DVDs inside the TV, just to name a few things. John-Blake continued to grow and thrive and gain weight. He learned to eat baby food and get on a good eating schedule. Saharra was enjoying having a real life baby doll to play with and help with. Then the phone call came that shattered us. "The case has been moved to a different county and they dismissed it. The children are returning home". Devastation ensued. There were many tears. I had said all along with all belief that God would not take away the children I was supposed to adopt and I had the adoption feeling with these two. So why was this happening?! We kept open communication with the mother and father. The mother and children lived with us for two weeks. We shared in his first birthday. We really had shared parenting down pat so that we could continue to be part of their lives. They came and went 5 different times. But each time the mother put more emphasis on us keeping John Blake forever. The struggle was hard on our family. It was hard on our marriage. God wouldn't let me let this family go. In Jerry's heartache, he was done. I wanted to protect my heart too, but God kept telling me to trust Him. This was the difficult part on our marriage. Sometimes God only tells one spouse. It's all part of trusting, obeying, being one with your spouse. Jerry had to trust me as much as I was trusting God. Whew. It was hard. But we made it. 

Jerry received a phone call in September 2013 from the mother that said "I can't do this anymore. Your son is coming home". We went and picked him up that very evening, signed and filed the adoption paperwork and Mr. Johnathon Blake Hudler has never looked back. We still keep up with C. He is well taken care of by his MiMi who we love dearly. Happy 3rd Birthday, my precious son. We've come a long way from the first day we met, but I knew then that it was love at first sight. God has a way of preparing the heart if we listen and trust and hold on and believe. It's not always easy, in fact, it almost never is, but here's proof, that good things come from following God's direction.

Ding Dong, Ding Dong, Wedding bells are ringing.

To start this off, I'm back from my very long hiatus from blogging. I had a very intense surgery, then some minor complications, then we travelled, then the wedding...busy busy. But, we're back by popular demand.

It started out as a very exciting day. May 29th 2015. This was marked as the rehearsal to my younger sister's wedding, but it was also the day my brother's children would meet my children in person for the first time. Now one would think that we would have maybe planned a day ahead for their meeting but we like to really take things by chance and live in the moment. My children and I arrive at the beautiful vineyard full of rocks and water and dirt. Where they are to remain clean and calm. With two boys. And it was hot. Am I painting a clear enough set up here? Then the cousins arrive. My three children and my brother's two scatter like cockroaches. They head down to a pond (no children are obviously allowed there and that's the first place they go). There are too many for us to keep up with. All the authoritative people are in the wedding party and are being called to line up and start practice. Gigi, Pawpaw, Me, Uncle Josh (daddy to two of them) and my children's father had not arrived yet. I called in a panic "Honey, where are you" Jerry: "Are they doing construction work there"? Me: "Um, no. That's John Blake and Bear beating a metal trash can with a stick".  Then I hear Mauri say "Mommy, I'm going to throw up". We did get them still long enough for a photo op. But you can see devil horns are out, mouths are wide open, silly faces are happening and Mauri's head is an armrest.

I finally get my daddy's belt and dare my three children to move until their daddy gets there.

Fast forward until wedding day. Saturday, May 30th, 2015. Again, it was outside, hot and there was red dirt that the kids could play with in their black suits before the wedding. If it were not for Kayla Williams coming along, I would have been more of a nervous wreck than I was. She helped maintain my children while I did bridesmaid duties. 

As I was scrolling through my sister's wedding pictures, Lauren Waterhouse captured this gem right here.

The children from left to right: Saharra is prim and proper, Sanae has her tongue out, Mauri is looking for a place to run, Bear's hair is wild and his eyes closed because John Blake the sneaky snake has pushed him at the perfect moment. 

Not to take away from the wedding with the silliness, it was a gorgeous wedding. I was honored to be a part of my sister's special day. She and Kevin are perfect for each other. I've gotten to see them stay together through college, see the engagement and now the wedding. So to the newly weds, I wish you a life of joy, happiness, good communication and children who are not nearly as wild as your nieces and nephews.